Why Some Women are Desperate
by Carol M. Welsh
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I asked Dave how he was doing since it was the anniversary of his
wife’s death. He replied, “It’s rough, but what is even worse, is women
won’t leave me alone! I don’t want to hurt their feelings but they phone
me too so I can’t even have peace in my own home.”
Dave is
encountering desperate women who are 55 or older and feel they must have a
man in their lives to be complete. Their obvious need is what drives the
men away, the opposite of their intent.
You react to people based
on how you perceive them. These perceptions are influenced by your
perceptual styles: Audio, Visual, Feeler, and Wholistic. Further, when you
are desperate, this clouds your perceptions because you see what you want
to see. “I just know I’m perfect for him” or “I know he’s interested in
me.” You lose your objectivity.
Desperation makes you reactive
causing your hot button to be easily pushed. Your hot button stimulates an
emotion out-of-control, which is fueled by fears.
When people of
the Audio perception are reactive, there is an undercurrent of anger
waiting to vent. Maintaining personal control is important for them. “Get
out of my way, he’s mine!” There are basic fears for each perceptual
style. For Audios, they are:
·Afraid of life being out of control
(“With you in my life, I can be back in control again.”)
·Afraid of
losing face and not being respected (yet, by being pushy or fighting with
perceived competition, this is exactly what you are doing).
·Afraid of
not being loveable (You speak you mind and may talk with a confrontational
tone. For some men, this might too forward. They might like you but don’t
find you lovable.)
Remedy for Audios: Lighten up and be sensitive
to his feelings. Be willing to let him pursue you rather than you
badgering him. If he doesn’t call or ask you out, maybe, as authors Greg
Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo say in their bestseller book: “he’s just not
that into you.” If you relax and realize if it’s meant to be, it will
happen, that you can’t make it happen, you will be more in balance with
all four of the perceptions. Your softer side will emerge.
When
Feelers are reactive, they become indignant, feel sorry for themselves.
Feelers are caring and will do thoughtful things but they are also setting
up unspoken expectations fueled by their fears:
·Afraid of not being
appreciated (“You didn’t say thank you” – an expectation placed on him
even though he didn’t ask you to do it.)
·Afraid of not being liked,
loved (Giving and receiving love is a top priority – “I want to him to
share his life with me.”)
·Afraid of making a mistake (You don’t want
to disappoint him so have a difficult time saying no to requests – an easy
target for men who use women.)
·Afraid of getting hurt (You want to
feel secure in a loving relationship. If he wants to be just a friend, you
may feel hurt because you expected more.)
Remedy for Feelers:
Realize your unsolicited help, such as bringing over meals, might be
considered interfering with his privacy and won’t be appreciated. Become
your own best friend rather than a needy, desperate woman looking for a
man to rescue her. Men enjoy being with someone who is interesting. Show
your natural enthusiasm for living – your fun side.
When Visuals
are reactive, they become frustrated and depressed. Their biggest trap is
perfectionism. “I like you but you need to change in some areas. If you
love me, you’ll be willing to make those changes.” This desire for the
“perfect” man is fueled by their fears:
·Afraid of not being able to
live up to one’s own high standards (“If we work at it, we can be the
perfect couple.”)
·Afraid of running out of time (“I visualized my life
as being married and the older I get, the less men there are to make this
happen.”)
·Fear of the unknown (“I want to feel secure about my future
– to be able to visualize it as a comfortable life.”)
Remedy for
Visuals: Let go of perfectionism. You can easily be hurt by criticism
because you view what you do as who you are. Don’t be so hard on yourself
if you make mistake or if a relationship didn’t turn out as expected.
Learn to accept yourself as you are. You have a wonderful sense of humor
because you can easily see the humor in everyday situations. Discover ways
to make your life fulfilling without a man. Then you won’t appear
desperate because “you’re not getting any younger …”
When
Wholistics are reactive, they become resentful and blame others for their
discontent. This resentment is fuel by these fears:
·Afraid of not
being valued or given a chance (“I know you could love me if you’d just
give me a chance!”)
·Afraid of failure, not reaching full potential (As
a Wholistic, you are born with a sense mission, that you are destined for
excellence. If this hasn’t happened, you may use excuses to soften the
disillusionment you have in yourself.)
·Afraid of restrictions, loss of
freedom (“I can’t make a commitment – I want to be free to go with the
flow.”)
Remedy for Wholistics: Beware of letting your desperation
cause you to “settle for less” if you are disillusioned with yourself. You
might be attracted to abusive men because you don’t deserve better. It’s
never too late to reach excellence, whether it’s being a wonderful
grandmother, or writing a book, or finally having the time to do those
things you always wanted to do but didn’t have time.
When you
aren’t looking for a man is when they are most likely to find you. They
might find you or you might approach him though a computer dating service.
But if he doesn’t reply to your message despite how strongly he “courted
you” in his first messages, he’s lost interest. It doesn’t mean there is
something wrong with you!
Be yourself. The “Red Hat Society” has
expanded into hundreds of groups because they are women having a good time
just being themselves. Remember Dave’s plea, “I wish the women would leave
me alone!”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Carol Welsh, M.S. is the author of “Stop When You See Red.” She has
over 25 years experience as a speaker and is a frequent guest on talk
shows. Website is www.stopred.com.
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