Domestic Violence: The Fact Behind The Myths
by Scott Shaper
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Domestic Violence is one of today's most common assault
type crimes. It seems as if almost everyone either knows someone who was,
or is a victim of domestic violence. Or, they either are, or were a victim
themselves. There are a lot of myths associated with domestic violence
that unfortunately are grossly misleading. In this article, I am going to
address some of those myths and attempt to set the record straight.
"Domestic Abusers are extremely violent people"
Though some domestic abusers are extremely violent people, they are
actually the minority. Most of the domestic abusers we arrested never
resisted or fought with us. Why? Because domestic abuse isn't about
violence it's about control. The abuser wants to control their victim, and
this control is enforced through physical violence, but the underlining
fact is control. This is why they will not fight with the police, because
they know they will not gain the control. Another example is say the
abuser is at work, and his superior (who may even be a woman) asks him to
do something that he may not want to do. He doesn't beat the superior up
because he doesn't have the control. Yet at home, behind closed doors, he
wants and gains the control. This is a difficult concept for many to
understand. To help explain this better I have listed a few common control
issues found in domestic abusers.
Monitoring the victim's comings and goings in great
detail.
Isolating the victim from family or friends.
Discouraging the victim from working, joining
organizations, attending school, or leaving the house.
Constantly accusing the victim of being
unfaithful.
Belittling or humiliating the victim.
Controlling all finances and forcing the victim to
account for what they spend in detail.
Destroying personal property or sentimental items.
Threatening to leave with the children or saying they
will never see the children again.
As you can see domestic violence is a control issue. Actually the
psychological damage done by this type of behavior is much greater then
the actual physical abuse.
"Domestic Violence only happens to poor people.
"Domestic Violence has no boundaries; it affects all levels of
income. I had a one case where the domestic abuser was an educated male
who made a six figure income. His victim (former live in girlfriend) was
an educated female who made a nice income herself. They both had good
jobs, and lived in an expensive condo. Well he had beaten her so badly
that she was hospitalized with a closed head injury. Talking with her
later she stated that she could not believe she found herself in this
situation. She stated that her abuser was a white collar worker who
actually appeared on the outside to be a harmless geek. In fact, her
friends couldn't believe he was capable of this. A few days later we were
called back to the residence to stand by as peace officers, while the
woman packed up her stuff and moved out. During the time that we were
there, I noticed how she couldn't stop trembling. She was so afraid that
her abuser would come back, and attack her while she was there. This was
to spite the fact that two Police Officers were with her the whole time
(remember this was many days later). What is sad this was not the first
time she was abused, but hopefully with her leaving it will be the last.
In case you're curious yes he was arrested.
"Alcohol drug abuse, stress, and mental illness cause domestic
violence"
This is not true, but is commonly used as an excuse from abusers who
try to pardon their actions, and unfortunately their victims buy into
this. Alcohol use, drug use, and stress do not cause domestic violence;
they may go along with domestic violence, but they do not cause the
violence itself.
"Domestic Violence is a personal problem between a husband and
wife"
Domestic violence goes way beyond just the two immediate people
involved. Look into a child's face that sees this violence everyday. Then
go visit that child about 10 to 15 years later and see what they have
become. If they are male, they will most likely become domestic abusers
themselves. If they are female they will most likely become domestic
victims themselves. Why? Learned behavior; this was their environment
growing up, and to them, this is just acceptable behavior that people do.
It takes a very strong person to come out of that type of environment and
not have it become part of their adult lives. A child who lives with
domestic violence will never forget it.
"If it were that bad, she would just leave."
Leaving a domestic violence situation is not so easy. Many times
children are involved and the victim may not have any financial means of
supporting themselves. Not only that, but they may fear that they will be
killed if they leave. As strange as it may sound, some have a real
psychological bond with their abuser, and just won't leave. I have had
many instances were we arrested an abuser and the next morning his victim
is begging us to release him and recanting her story. This is one of the
reasons why the law has changed in many states. Now it is the state not
the victim, who prosecutes the domestic abuser.
"I can change him."
This thought is the worst. For anyone who thinks this, read the
following carefully NO YOU CAN'T! I have heard this so many times, all
from victims who are beaten time and time again. Domestic violence is way
too complex for any one person to handle, or fix. You have to either
escape it, or have some sort of professional intervention. I would highly
recommend escaping it. I have yet to see anyone who has stated this, ever
change their abuser.
In closing I want to make one point clear. Even though in this article
I referred to males as being the abusers. Females can be abusers also; it
is just not as common. In my book "Crime Awareness 101" I go much deeper
into domestic violence. I address the law, the cycle of violence, and some
domestic violence traits to look out for early on which should raise a red
flag. I also list numerous resources of agencies that are devoted to
helping victims of domestic violence. I also cover many other crimes and
crime related topics, for more information, or for more articles on
criminal behavior click on the following link Crime Prevention Information
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Scott Shaper is a former Police Officer and the author of "Crime
Awareness 101." For more information about his book, or more articles on
crime related matters please click on the following link Crime Prevention Information
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