Coping with Your Abuser
by Sam
Vaknin
zone3
How to cope with your abuser?
Sometimes it looks hopeless. Abusers are ruthless, immoral, sadistic,
calculated, cunning, persuasive, deceitful - in short, they appear to be
invincible. They easily sway the system in their favor.
Here is a list of escalating countermeasures. They represent the
distilled experience of thousands of victims of abuse. They may help you
cope with abuse and overcome it.
Not included are legal or medical steps. Consult an attorney, an
accountant, a therapist, or a psychiatrist, where appropriate.
First, you must decide:
Do you want to stay with him - or terminate the relationship?
If you want to leave him and your children are above the age of 18
Click HERE
If you have Children with Him (under the age of 18) Click HERE
1. I want to Stay with Him
FIVE DON'T DO'S How to Avoid the Wrath of the
Narcissist
- Never disagree with the narcissist or contradict him;
- Never offer him any intimacy;
- Look awed by whatever attribute matters to him (for instance: by his
professional achievements or by his good looks, or by his success with
women and so on);
- Never remind him of life out there and if you do, connect it somehow
to his sense of grandiosity;
- Do not make any comment, which might directly or indirectly impinge
on his self-image, omnipotence, judgment, omniscience, skills,
capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence.
The TEN DO'S How to Make your Narcissist Dependent on
You If you INSIST on Staying with Him
- Listen attentively to everything the narcissist says and agree with
it all. Don't believe a word of it but let it slide as if everything is
just fine, business as usual.
- Personally offer something absolutely unique to the narcissist which
they cannot obtain anywhere else. Also be prepared to line up future
Sources of Primary Narcissistic Supply for your narcissist because you
will not be IT for very long, if at all. If you take over the
procuring function for the narcissist, they become that much more
dependent on you.
- Be endlessly patient and go way out of your way to be accommodating,
thus keeping the narcissistic supply flowing liberally, and keeping the
peace.
- Be endlessly giving. This one may not be attractive to you, but it
is a take it or leave it proposition.
- Be absolutely emotionally and financially independent of the
narcissist. Take what you need: the excitement and engulfment and refuse
to get upset or hurt when the narcissist does or says something dumb,
rude, or insensitive. Yelling back works really well but should be
reserved for special occasions when you fear your narcissist may be on
the verge of leaving you; the silent treatment is better as an ordinary
response, but it must be carried out without any emotional content, more
with the air of boredom and "I'll talk to you later, when I am good and
ready, and when you are behaving in a more reasonable fashion". Treat
your narcissist as you would a child.
- If your narcissist is cerebral and not interested in having
much sex then give yourself ample permission to have "hidden" sex with
other people. Your cerebral narcissist will not be indifferent to
infidelity so discretion and secrecy is of paramount importance.
- If your narcissist is somatic and you don't mind, join in on group
sex encounters but make sure that you choose properly for your
narcissist. If you do mind leave him. Somatic narcissists are sex
addicts and incurably unfaithful.
- If you are a "fixer", then focus on fixing situations, preferably
before they become "situations". Don't for one moment delude yourself
that you can fix the narcissist it simply will not happen.
- If there is any fixing that can be done, it is to help your
narcissist become aware of their condition, with no negative
implications or accusations in the process at all. It is like living
with a physically handicapped person and being able to discuss, calmly,
unemotionally, what the limitations and benefits of the handicap are and
how the two of you can work with these factors, rather than trying to
change them.
- Finally, and most important of all: Know
Yourself.
What are you getting from the relationship? Are you
actually a masochist? A codependent? Why is this relationship attractive
and interesting?
Define for yourself what good and beneficial things
you believe you are receiving in this relationship.
Define the things
that you find harmful to you. Develop strategies to minimize the
harm to yourself. Don't expect that you will cognitively be able
to reason with the narcissist to change who he is. You may have some
limited success in getting your narcissist to tone down on the really
harmful behaviors that affect you but this can only be
accomplished in a very trusting, frank and open relationship.
(1a) Insist on Your Boundaries Resist Abuse
-
Refuse to accept abusive behavior. Demand reasonably
predictable and rational actions and reactions. Insist on respect for
your boundaries, predilections, preferences, and priorities.
-
If things get rough- disengage, involve law enforcement
officers, friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).
-
Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, boundaries,
preferences, priorities, and red lines.
(1b) Mirror His Behavior
Mirror the narcissists actions and repeat his words.
If, for instance, he is having a rage attack rage back. If he
threatens threaten back and credibly try to use the same language and
content. If he leaves the house leave it as well, disappear on him. If
he is suspicious act suspicious. Be critical, denigrating, humiliating,
go down to his level.
(1c) Frighten Him
Identify the vulnerabilities and susceptibilities of the
narcissist and strike repeated, escalating blows at them.
If a narcissist has a secret or something he wishes to conceal
use your knowledge of it to threaten him. Drop cryptic hints that there
are mysterious witnesses to the events and recently revealed evidence. Do
it cleverly, noncommittally, gradually, in an escalating manner.
Let his imagination do the rest. You don't have to do much
except utter a vague reference, make an ominous allusion, delineate a
possible turn of events.
Needless to add that all these activities have to be pursued
legally, preferably through the good services of law offices and in broad
daylight. If done in the wrong way they might constitute extortion or
blackmail, harassment and a host of other criminal offences.
(1d) Lure Him
Offer him continued Narcissistic Supply. You can make a narcissist do
anything by offering, withholding, or threatening to withhold
Narcissistic Supply (adulation, admiration, attention, sex, awe,
subservience, etc.).
(1e) Play on His Fear of Abandonment
If nothing else works, explicitly threaten to abandon him.
You can condition the threat ("If you don't do something or if you do
it I will desert you").
The narcissists perceives the following as threats of abandonment, even
if they are not meant as such:
- Confrontation, fundamental disagreement, and protracted criticism
- When completely ignored
- When you insist on respect for your boundaries, needs, emotions,
choices, preferences
- When you retaliate (for instance, shout back at him).
2. I can't Take It Any Longer - I Have Decided to
Leave Him
(2a) Fight Him in Court
Here are a few of the things the narcissist finds devastating,
especially in a court of law, for instance during a deposition:
- Any statement or fact, which seems to contradict his inflated
perception of his grandiose self. Any criticism, disagreement, exposure
of fake achievements, belittling of "talents and skills" which the
narcissist fantasizes that he possesses, any hint that he is
subordinated, subjugated, controlled, owned or dependent upon a third
party. Any description of the narcissist as average and common,
indistinguishable from many others. Any hint that the narcissist is
weak, needy, dependent, deficient, slow, not intelligent, naive,
gullible, susceptible, not in the know, manipulated, a victim.
- The narcissist is likely to react with rage to all these and, in an
effort to re-establish his fantastic grandiosity, he is likely to expose
facts and stratagems he had no conscious intention of exposing.
- The narcissist reacts with narcissistic rage, hatred, aggression, or
violence to an infringement of what he perceives to be his entitlement.
Any insinuation, hint, intimation, or direct declaration that the
narcissist is not special at all, that he is average, common, not even
sufficiently idiosyncratic to warrant a fleeting interest will inflame
the narcissist.
- Tell the narcissist that he does not deserve the best treatment,
that his needs are not everyone's priority, that he is boring, that his
needs can be catered to by an average practitioner (medical doctor,
accountant, lawyer, psychiatrist), that he and his motives are
transparent and can be easily gauged, that he will do what he is told,
that his temper tantrums will not be tolerated, that no special
concessions will be made to accommodate his inflated sense of self, that
he is subject to court procedures, etc. and the narcissist will lose
control.
- Contradict, expose, humiliate, and berate the narcissist ("You are
not as intelligent as you think you are", "Who is really behind all
this? It takes sophistication which you don't seem to have", "So, you
have no formal education", "you are (mistake his age, make him much
older) ... sorry, you are ... old", "What did you do in your life? Did
you study? Do you have a degree? Did you ever establish or run a
business? Would you define yourself as a success?", "Would your children
share your view that you are a good father?", "You were last seen with a
Ms. ... who is (suppressed grin) a cleaning lady (in demeaning
disbelief)".
(2b) If You Have Common
Children I described in "The Guilt of the Abused -
Pathologizing the Victim" how the system is biased and titled against
the victim.
Regrettably, mental health professionals and practitioners
marital and couple therapists, counselors are conditioned, by years
of indoctrinating and dogmatic education, to respond favorably to
specific verbal cues.
The paradigm is that abuse is rarely one sided in other words, that
it is invariably "triggered" either by the victim or by the mental health
problems of the abuser. Another common lie is that all mental health
problems can be successfully treated one way (talk therapy)
or another (medication).
This shifts the responsibility from the offender to his prey. The
abused must have done something to bring about their own
maltreatment or simply were emotionally "unavailable" to help the
abuser with his problems. Healing is guaranteed if only the victim were
willing to participate in a treatment plan and communicate with the
abuser. So goes the orthodoxy.
Refusal to do so in other words, refusal to risk further abuse is
harshly judged by the therapist. The victim is labeled uncooperative,
resistant, or even abusive!
The key is, therefore, feigned acquiescence and collaboration with the
therapist's scheme, acceptance of his/her interpretation of the events,
and the use of key phrases such as: "I wish to communicate/work with (the
abuser)", "trauma", "relationship", "healing process", "inner child", "the
good of the children", "the importance of fathering", "significant other"
and other psycho-babble. Learn the jargon, use it intelligently and you
are bound to win the therapist's sympathy.
Above all do not be assertive, or aggressive and do not overtly
criticize the therapist or disagree with him/her.
I make the therapist sound like yet another potential abuser because
in many cases, he/she becomes one as they inadvertently collude with the
abuser, invalidate the abuse experiences, and pathologize the
victim.
(2c) Refuse All Contact
- Be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as the courts,
counsellors, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate.
- Do NOT contravene the decisions of the system. Work from the
inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings but NEVER
rebel against them or ignore them. You will only turn the system against
you and your interests.
- But with the exception of the minimum mandated by the courts
decline any and all gratuitous contact with the narcissist.
- Do not respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or
threatening e-mail messages.
- Return all gifts he sends you.
- Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to the
intercom.
- Do not talk to him on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his
voice while making clear to him, in a single, polite but firm, sentence,
that you are determined not to talk to him.
- Do not answer his letters.
- Do not visit him on special occasions, or in emergencies.
- Do not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you
through third parties.
- Disconnect from third parties whom you know are spying on you at his
behest.
- Do not discuss him with your children.
- Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need.
- When you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your personal
affairs or his.
- Relegate any inevitable contact with him when and where possible
to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com/ ) is
the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the
Rain - How the West Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Central
Europe Review, Global Politician, PopMatters, and eBookWeb , and
Bellaonline, and as a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business
Correspondent. He is the the editor of mental health and Central East
Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.
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